hospice

where do i begin? we've only been back in seattle for 10 days, but the kids and i are heading back to minneapolis tomorrow already. two weeks after starting his new immunotherapy drug, my dad has been told that his white blood cell count is too low to continue on the drug. there is only one thing left to do...

my dad is transitioning to hospice care

the original plan was to do home hospice, but last night he ended up in the emergency room with a urinary tract infection, which is very dangerous considering his low blood cell count. they have stabilized him, but the new plan once he is discharged is for him to go to a hospice center. 

i know i've had almost 3 years to prepare for this, but there is not enough time in the world to prepare for this. to have to stop dreaming of possible miracles and medical advances. to face the reality that very soon i will have to say good bye to my dad. 

i'm trying to stay positive. to be thankful for the past 2 years and 9 months we've had to soak in his physical presence like never before. to remember that death is part of life and we don't get to choose how or when we go and we are lucky that we get the privilege of saying good bye because many people do not. to keep in mind that he lived such a good life and accomplished so much in his (almost) 60 years and he will always be with me. 

but it sucks. it really really sucks. 

my dad is a manager, a fixer, a make everything better-er. this is the one thing he cannot fix. and i know it's hard for him to accept. for all of us to accept when he normally manages the crap out of everything life throws at him. but it is what it is. 

and we will spend the rest of his days showing him how much he means to us. i know i can't ever repay him for the support he has given me, but i can sure try. 

and with that, i will wrap this up as i can barely see the screen through my tears. thanks for reading and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. i appreciate it more than i can express.