12 weeks of love

today is my last official day of maternity leave. 

on monday, i will go back to work and leave my little mama's boy for 9 hours. my little man who has refused to drink from a bottle for 2+ weeks and almost always cries when anyone but me holds him. i can't believe it's been 12 weeks since the night he was placed in my arms for the first time, after a fast and furious labor. it's been 12 weeks since he joined our family and made me feel like a first time mom all over again. i was so overwhelmed those first few days weeks. i've said it before and i'll say it again....i'm not one of those blissed out moms at the beginning. i love my kids more than anything in the world, but even the second time around i was filled with this intense feeling that life would never feel "normal" again. but just like last time, normalcy has mostly returned to our lives...our new normal. 

maternity leave was so different this time around. my babies could not be more different. if you read my blog back when i had azalea, you know that breastfeeding didn't work out for us. she never had a good latch, had a lot of trouble gaining weight, was almost impossible to wake for feedings, and so on. i pumped what little milk i had for 10 months for her, but she mostly had formula. i beat myself up for it, but i know now that was silly and i did the best i could under those circumstances. ashford, on the other hand, took to nursing like a natural right away. his latch was perfect from the start, he started gaining weight after about a week, and wanted to nurse constantly! (still does...) i'm so thankful things worked out the second time around, but it's also added some challenges that i was not used to. 

after introducing a bottle at 5 weeks, he took it just fine for about a month...then decided one day he wanted nothing to do with it. we've tried 3-4 different bottles, different times of day, when he's starving or has recently eaten, me leaving the house, etc. no luck! i have no idea what that means for next week, but i guess we'll find out. he even goes as far as to push out with his tongue, the milk that drips into his mouth from the bottle. what a little stinker! :) i can't say i've minded how much he loves getting his meals from me, but i have to return to work, so he needs to compromise a little. thankfully my in laws are going to take him all next week before he starts at daycare with azalea. 

at the end of my maternity leave with azalea, i was sad to leave her to go back to work, but she was a much more adaptable, easy going baby. since she was bottle fed, i felt like anyone i trusted could take care of her. with ashford, i have much more anxiety about being away from him. he is not a good napper (unless he is being held), and seems to only be comforted by mama. it breaks my heart that i will be away from him so much. i'll admit i used to role my eyes about moms who freaked out about leaving their babies....but i get it now. i know he will be fine in the long run, but until we get there....i'm gonna be one sad mama. 

i don't want to end this on a depressing note, so here is a cute picture to make it all better :)