it's been a year

it's hard to believe, but today marks one year since my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. i can easily say october 24, 2012 was the hardest day of my life so far. in an instant, our hearts were filled with shock, sadness, fear, and so many unknowns. we had no idea if my dad would be around in a year, but he is and he is doing so well. i am so thankful for the time we've gotten with him. not only time, but a year of relative normalcy despite him being sick. 

he's on his third cancer drug since starting treatment shortly after being diagnosed. the first drug worked wonderfully for eight months. when it stopped working, they decided to try a pill-form chemo drug, which had really nasty side effects and unfortunately, did not work as well as they had hoped. a couple months ago they switched him back to traditional chemo using a different drug. he had a scan on monday and it showed mostly good news! his lung tumor shrunk a bit (it had stayed the same or grown in the last couple scans) and his shoulder/spine tumors had no change. the only less than stellar news was that the "activity level" (which they have a rating scale for) of his lung tumor has spiked again. you are probably wondering how a tumor can shrink and have a high activity level because i am too....and i don't know the answer. neither does he.                              

 he still walks or bikes almost daily and really only feels crummy for a couple days following chemo (every 3 weeks), it's amazing. i am in complete awe of the way he puts his family's needs first, even under these circumstances. i often feel guilty that he is still taking care of us so selflessly, when it should be the other way around. it scares me to think of the day when the tables will turn. with two months until my baby boy arrives, i pray that he will be here to make memories with his new grandson for a long time to come. 

there are still so many unknowns. i have days where i'm thankful for the way things are going and it's hard to imagine how it will ever not be the case because life still feels so "normal". we don't know how many more days we will have like this, but we're trying to live in the present and enjoy them as much as we can. other days i feel paralyzed by the severity of the situation and the lack of hope there is for this type of diagnosis, but i try to tell myself there's no point in worrying about what the future will bring. any of us (including him) could go at any point and there's almost nothing you can do to stop it. every day i hear of people who's loved ones are taken from them in an instant from car accidents, violence, etc. it's hard to always have this looming over us, but a blessing in some ways. 

better wrap this up before it gets too long, but i just want to say thank you again. thank you for reading and checking in on how he is doing (especially those of you who have never met him). i hope with every fiber of my being that i will be lucky enough to write a similar post on october 24, 2014.