a short novel on breastfeeding

 before i had azalea, i knew that breast feeding was hard work and doesn't always come easy for moms and their babies. but i have a confession: when i would hear moms say things like "it didn't work out for us", i judgmentally thought to myself "well, they must not have really wanted to do it...or didn't really try." and then...i became one of those moms. talk about humbling! i only nursed azalea for 2 weeks. it was the most difficult 2 weeks of my life, physically and emotionally. i can confidently say i have never cried as much as i did in those 2 weeks. i still feel guilty and sad on occasion about the way things turned out, even 10 months later. but i shouldn't. i did the best i could considering the circumstances, and all that matters is that azalea is a happy, healthy, loved baby. here's a little a lot of background on our experience.

latching trouble and weight loss: 
azalea never had a good latch. nurses, doctors, and a lactation consultant all helped, but she was very stubborn. she also had a really strong suck reflex, which was excruciatingly painful for me. i realize these things are very common and i was not deterred solely because of them. in fact, i felt like nursing was going fine until we discovered a few days in that she wasn't gaining any weight (rather, she was losing a lot of weight). ok, not a big deal, i thought. i'll just feed her more. i fed her at least every 2 hours around the clock (the doctor recommended setting an alarm every 2 hours at night and waking her to eat). i know people have varying opinions about that, but she needed to gain weight, so i wasn't going to argue. unfortunately, it didn't help. she kept losing weight. and losing. and losing. we went to quite a few weight check appointments over those 2 weeks and it was discouraging news every. single. time. cue lots of crying (from me) in front of the pediatrician.

mastitis:
when azalea was 9 days old, i developed mastitis. it was by far worse than giving birth. i had horrible flu-like symptoms and i hardly had the strength to hold her. on top of that, she refused to nurse. after only being able to pump 1 oz of milk, which i gave to her, i felt so guilty that she had hardly gotten anything and made her a bottle of formula. she gobbled it up! the mastitis went away after i got antibiotics and we went back to nursing. it was rocky, but we kept going. i tried a few recommendations to increase my production, but nothing really seemed to make a difference.

here comes the bottle:
the pediatrician didn't recommend supplementing at all for the first 2 weeks because if you give a baby a bottle when you are trying to develop a nursing relationship, many times they will prefer the bottle and refuse to nurse. but after 2 weeks of continuous weight-loss, we knew something had to change. we needed to test what would happen if she got more food. the doctor advised me to nurse, then pump anything left and give it to azalea in a bottle. if it was less than 2 ounces (which it always was!), i should give her formula too. we did that for a couple days and it quickly became clear that azalea wanted nothing to do with nursing and she only wanted the bottle. so, what's a weary mom to do? i desperately wanted to breastfeed her, but my body wasn't producing as it should, my baby was withering away (ok not really, but that's what it felt like at the time) and i was emotionally exhausted from her constant rejection. 

 so, i decided to start pumping all of my milk and supplement with formula. it was upsetting to make that decision, but at the same time, i felt a huge sense of relief knowing how much food she was actually getting. in almost no time, i was feeling like a better mom. azalea was happier, i was happier, i wasn't crying all the time, thatcher and i were both getting to feed her and when we went back to the doctor a few days later, we found out she had gained 10 ounces! I was so happy! 

for the last 10 months, i pumped and bottle fed her breast milk and formula. and it worked great for us. i never was able to pump more than 2 ounces in one session, which some people probably think is a waste of time and energy, but to me it wasn't. emotionally, i could not let go of that last tie that i had to feeding her. she has continued to gain weight at a normal rate ever since then and i'm thankful for that. thatcher was so supportive during those first 2 weeks. i don't know how he did it. i was such a mess. i stopped pumping last week after a period of self-weaning. i'm proud of how long i did it!

so, what's the point of this post? it's not for me to whine that i had the worst nursing experience ever known to mom and you should feel bad for me (because I didn't. i've heard way worse). it's that nursing doesn't always work out despite your best intentions and that's ok. could i have done more to make it work? probably. but i was on the fast track to post-partum depression and i realized it and had to do something about it. i still feel jealous of moms who are able to easily breast feed. but i have to remind myself that no mom gets a perfect experience with everything. i had an easy birth, and got a great sleeper. on the other hand, there are moms who may have a flawless nursing relationship from the start, but are disappointed because they ended up having an emergency c-section, or their baby never sleeps through the night. i've learned a little perspective goes a long way. and if you're wondering, i'm planning to breast feed my next baby (not anytime soon!). maybe i will have the same experience again, maybe not. but i'm at least going to try. thanks for reading :)