when life changes in an instant...

i've been drafting this post for some time now, but haven't felt ready to hit 'publish' until today. on october 24th, my life was turned upside down...my dad found out he has stage 4 lung cancer. lung cancer is almost never curable. my family is shocked, heartbroken and so many other emotions. my dad is only 57, and a non-smoker (i know that's the first thing people think when they hear lung cancer). he is a very active, healthy guy. he bikes or walks almost every day. in my eyes, he has always seemed invincible. do you feel that way about your dad too? 

earlier this fall, he had been complaining of a sore back, which was nothing out of the ordinary for him. he's thrown out his back plenty of times, but it wasn't getting better, so he decided to go to the doctor. on 10/22 he had a ct scan. the doctor called that afternoon and told him there were a couple things on the scan that they wanted to get a better look at and that he should come back the next day for a pet scan. my parents told me that night and i could tell they were worried. we knew cancer was a possibility, but hoped and prayed it wouldn't be. he went in for his pet scan the next day, and my parents met with a surgeon the following day to go over the results. luckily it was my day off, i know i would have been a wreck at work, waiting to hear. 

they came straight to my house after and i could see their tear-stained cheeks as they got out of the car. we all burst into tears and held each other as they told me. my dad had just learned that there is a large mass in his lung (that's been silently growing for some time). remember, the only symptom he had was a sore back. no coughing (up blood), shortness of breath, weight loss, none of the other usual symptoms. stage 4 means the cancer has spread (in his case to his shoulder bone and spine) and cannot be removed by surgery. instead they are having him do chemo treatment to try to prolong his life and suppress the symptoms for as long as possible. some people respond well to the treatment and can live a few more years, but others aren't as lucky.

i would give anything for this not to be happening. i feel like i'm living a nightmare, or one of those sad stories that only happen to other people. how can this be real? everyone hopes to live to until an old age and pass away peacefully in their sleep, but it's not a promise for anyone. not knowing how long he will be with us is hard to swallow, but it's a blessing that we are able to treasure every day we have with him. 

while it feels like my world is falling apart, i'm trying my hardest to focus on the positives. the doctors hope that because of his relatively young age, general good health, and lack of symptoms, that he will respond favorably to the chemo. while they claim that no one "survives" lung cancer, many people do defy the odds and live for more than a couple years. and i know that miracles happen every day. i'm also thankful that my parents are young retirees (with great health insurance) and plenty of time to take care of each other. we are doing our best to stay positive and take things one day at a time.

my dad has completed two rounds of chemo so far and both have gone well. some pesky side effects, but nothing unmanageable. he's lost most of his hair now, which is hard, but it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. he will go in for a scan on the 21st of december to see how well the chemo is working. he's working hard to keep his lungs strong, and his spirits (and his weight!) up. we have a great support system of friends and family who are invaluable.

this is getting long, but i just want to say... my dad is my anchor and my rock. he is the calmest, most grounded person i know. he always makes me feel better about anything i am worried about, no matter how big or small. he is the ultimate protector. i wish i could do the same for him now. i've had 28 wonderful years with him, and i hope i will get to have many more. But whatever the outcome, i will live the rest of my life with nothing but fond memories of my dad who never failed to put his family first. he has always had his priorities straight, and for that, i greatly admire him.